Introductory remarks at what turned out to be a one-night only event – this Jewish atheist’s stab at an event I produced for spiritually-oriented single men and women — including chanting, singing, dancing, drumming, and, of course, bagels. (As it turned out, attendees were most interested in meeting each other, but, despite self-identifying as ‘spiritually oriented,’ not that enthusiastic about the spirituality part – go figure!)
Church Done Right!
All the Joy – None of the Guilt
Welcome fellow ephemeral conformations of the space/time continuum! Thank you for coming. We welcome those of all spiritual traditions – Methodists, Mormons, and Muslims, Humanists, heathens, and Hindus, Jesuits, Jews, and Jains; Christians, Catholics, Quakers, and Sikhs; agnostics and atheists; Bha’i’s, and Buddhists; pagans and pantheists; Confucians; Lutherans; Unitarians; Rastafarians, and others – all are welcome.
As an atheist, I’m perhaps an improbable person to be hosting a spiritual gathering such as this; but I believe there’s common ground to be found with believers and non-believers alike, where science and religion meet, and spirituality flowers.
I grew up as a secular Jew – which means when I go somewhere to worship, it’s either a forest or a delicatessen. And my feeling is that if there were a benevolent god in the universe, you’d be able to get a good corned beef sandwich somewhere in the San Francisco Bay Area. In L.A. of course, you can still get one at Canter’s on Fairfax, and I know from personal experience you can get a fabulous corned beef on rye in New York City even at four in the morning – complete with a big dish of half-dills – and that comprises the breadth of my knowledge in the field of theology.
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Modern life distracts us from an awareness of our place in the universe; it diverts us from being mindful of our mortality; it disconnects us from our animal nature – and from each other. We gather today to reconnect to our animal nature and to each other; and to remember our place in the universe and our connection to the natural world.
My speculation is that our ancestors created religion out of fear, in an attempt to explain the questions of existence that faced them at the dawn of humankind – how the world began, what happens to us after we die, what was that big black shadow that sometimes blotted out the sun, and why was it so hard to get a good mastodon burger after 9 p.m. on a weeknight?
My thought is that the awe that inspired our ancestors as they attempted to answer those questions is where spirituality and religion come together. Subtract the fanciful explanations of what was at that time an even more mysterious universe, take away the rules invoked to placate an angry, omnipotent god, and add in the scientific discoveries of thousands of years of human history, and there remains in many of us a sense of awe surrounding the vastness of the universe, the minisculity of cellular life, and our place in the scheme of things somewhere between those two poles – “our short lives lived,” as the late movie critic, Roger Ebert put it, “between unfathomable expanses of space and time.”
There’s comfort – and joy – to be found in connection with each other, and a shared wonder at the miraculous beauty of the world into which we’ve been thrown. The intention of our gathering here today is to rediscover that connection and that sense of wonder.
Our motto at Church Done Right is “All the joy – none of the guilt.” We welcome believers and non-believers alike, and honor all traditions. Not only do we honor all traditions, but we also steal from them.
Instead of the Book of Revelations, we have the Book of Re-Evaluation; instead of the Book of Mormon, we embrace the Rastafarian cry of, “More, mon!” We take no position on the Torah, but enthusiastically embrace the hora. Instead of The 10 Commandments, we have The 5 Suggestions; rather than Commandments chiseled in stone, our Suggestions exist in The Cloud, and can be easily modified at any time to conform to our behavior.
What are The 5 Suggestions? Become yourself; Be kind; Want what you have; Fake it ‘til you make it; and one additional Suggestion to be named at a later date – in trade for a hard-hitting right fielder for the Cleveland Indians, now that Rocky Colavito is gone, lo, these many years.
We certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers – or, for that matter – ANY answers. Instead of answers, we have questions. Instead of a hymn book, we have a hmmm book; instead of circumcision, we have circumVISION – we look around at the natural world and marvel at the miracle of existence. Instead of confession, we have PROfession – rather than hear about the mistakes you made last week, we want to hear about the great things you’ve got planned for this week.
For communion, instead of wine, wafers, and the body of Christ, we have hors d’oeuvres and a no-host bar. Every year for lent, we give up one thing and one thing only – sacrifice! Steve Jobs’ last words are our Hail Mary – “Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.” Instead of matzoh we have focaccia. Others say mass, we say “Energy!” Instead of prayer, we have begging and pleading. We eschew consistency and embrace contradiction. Some say religion is the opiate of the masses. We say, “Right on! – don’t Bogart those good feelings – pass them around.” Our exercise of choice – Kegels; our festive food – bagels.
Among our patron – and matron – saints are: John Bradshaw – for teaching us about healthy boundaries; Ram Dass, for reminding us to ‘Be Here Now;’ and his guru, Neem Karoli Baba, who said, “Cleanse the mirror of your heart and you will see God,” and, “It’s better to see God in everything than to try to figure it out;” the late screenwriter, Nora Ephron, for her immortal line in the movie, When Harry Met Sally – “I’ll have what she’s having.” We say, “We’ll all have what she’s having – a round of orgasms for the house!”
Also among our saints is the Indian spiritual leader known throughout the world as Amma, or “Mother” – who, rather than speaking, spreads her message by silently hugging her followers – having hugged in silence approximately 30 million of them so far; the creator of Reichian therapy, Wilhelm Reich, and Arthur Janov, the creator of Primal Therapy, both, for teaching us that it’s OK to kick and scream – as opposed to bitching and moaning (which, in our book, are still OK from time to time); and Meher Baba – who, long before Bobby McFerrin was even born, advised us, “Don’t worry, be happy;”
David Roche, founder of the Church of 80% Sincerity, who invited each member of his congregation to “…enter your own heart and step into the present moment. As you do, leave behind the things that separate us from one another and come to a realization of our common humanity;” Maya Angelou, who said “Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ‘I’m with you kid. Let’s go;’” Malcolm X, who said, “A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything;” and Joe E. Lewis, who said, “You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough.”
Our other saints include Richard Dawkins, author of The Blind Watchmaker – Why the Evidence of Evolution Reveals a Universe Without Design; Bill W., founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, for his suggestion to take life one day at a time, and, when it came to dogma, his invitation to “Take what you want and leave the rest;” and Ira Gershwin, who, in Porgy and Bess said he “…takes the gospel whenever it’s poss’ble – but with a grain of salt.” (And, with a tip of the hat, we say when you’re able, unplug the cable – what they show ain’t necessarily so.);
Songwriter, Neil Young, who stood on the edge of his feather, expecting to fly; folk singer, Donovan, who reminded us that happiness runs in a circular motion; and Leonard Cohen, who showed us where to look among the garbage and the flowers; L. Frank Baum, who reminded us there’s no place like home, but also encouraged us to dream; Stephen Hawking for elucidating the ever-more tenuous boundary between science and god; Albert Einstein, who said, “The most beautiful and profound religious emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical;” and Oscar Wilde, who, on his deathbed said, “Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.”
And, brothers and sisters, if you are among those adherents who believe your particular imaginary, omniscient, omnipotent friend is the absolute bestest in the whole world, here at Church Done Right, we want you to know it’s OK with us – just please check your guns at the door.
Let us pray.
Any comments can be left at the bottom of the Welcome Page. Thanks!